20 January 2015

When There Is No Pregnancy Glow

I'm sitting here in the first hour of my fast on the night before my 3-hour glucose test. After failing the 1-hour just as fantastically as I did in my pregnancy with Cora, I also found out that I have pregnancy-induced anemia this time around. In addition, I've basically convinced myself I'm going to fail tomorrow and get the official Gestational Diabetes diagnosis within the next few days.

But I'm definitely welcoming GD if that's the worst of my troubles. See, for most of this pregnancy, I have had a 'sinking ship' kinda feeling. With Cora, all of my worries melted away after we got a heartbeat at the 10-week ultrasound. This time, it took until the 20-week one and some signs of movement before I started to feel at peace. I actually felt movement 'late' for a 2nd pregnancy, so I wasn't sure what was going on before that ultrasound (turns out, anterior placenta). I had about 9 weeks of optimism, and now I'm back to the doomsday vibes.
This snowman didn't even last a day.
This picture is single-handedly keeping my hopes up for a good winter.
Maybe I just hear too much. I'm in a few faith-sharing FB groups, which obviously include prayer intentions. Every other day, I can't help but clicking on the "trigger-warning" posts: infant death, stillborn babies, dads with terminal cancer, anencephaly diagnoses, the list goes on and on and on. I click because I want to send up a prayer for these friends of friends of friends, but I probably need to just lay off the bookface for a month or so. (The rest of my feed is a mostly-happy mixed bag of quotes and pictures of friends' kids, which I do enjoy.) I should probably default to my bloglovin' feed vs. my Facebook, since most blog posts lift my spirits.

I also feel like I've been so distant from my kid in her final days of undivided attention. Some of it is just natural, as B is the one who takes her and picks her up from daycare most days. My husband has been especially wonderful with Cora, even though she has hit the 'threenager' stage big-time (her birthday is next week). She has started waking in the middle of the night for various reasons (last night was "I want my mommmmyyyy!"), and he is the one who deals with it. What a rock star.

I'm not really sure where I was going with this post (do thoughts on a page really need to go anywhere? that's so American, isn't it?). But I'm tired and sorta sick (hello, phlegmy cough that I can't take anything for right now). The baby is kicking, which I know is a good sign and has quelled my fears in the past. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and feel amazing again. Lord knows I want to.


  1. Ah, Cat! I hope you get to feeling better! I'll send up a few prayers for you and the little one!

  2. How did your test go? I'm sure you already know this but it's ok if this pregnancy isn't wonderful and glowing and perfectly happy. Pregnancy after loss is hard and you're so busy.

  3. Hey Cat, I hope that you pass your glucose test! I'm praying for you and will add a big dose of lots and lots of peace to the prayers and praying that everything is all right with Baby. Hang in there, get as much rest as you can, take some iron supplements (as recommended by your midwife/OB) and eat lots of green leafy veggies (they're high in iron). I read a lot of Psalms when I was pregnant with Daphne, especially in the last trimester, and it really helped me when I felt really anxious about things. And definitely avoid the FB groups for a while. I know the Lord will hear your prayers and know how to direct them even if you don't have all the info. :)

    Hopefully the rest of the winter will be mild too! :)

  4. Hello there! I haven't been around the blogging world since we were both linking up with Jessica Lynn for "This Week's Eats." I hope your 3 hour test went well -- as a previous reader mentioned, not all pregnancies are rainbows and butterflies. I'm pregnant as well, and also have an anterior placenta. I also felt this one move later than expected for a second pregnancy and have had a hard time connecting with this one like I did the first. But now, there is a toddler running around and there isn't as much time as there was before to focus on the pregnancy. I hope you're feeling well... Sending some prayers and good vibes up for you, from another pregnant mama!